"Link’s Confession" – From the Legend of Zelda Maya Quinn

I hate the never-ending tunics.
Blue on Mondays, red on Thursdays,
While every other day is green.
Every landscape is also green,
Their shades from watermelon
Rind to rich kiwi pulp. The sky is the same
Damn pastel blue with cerulean swirls;
The sun, always crusty-mustard yellow,
From a cheap backlight.
“Hyah!” “Haaah!” are my repeated lines,
Unless I die. Then, and only then,
I get to fake a scream. To constantly
Relive the sound of the Happy Mask Man
Whispering in my twelve-year-old ear,
“You’ve met with a terrible fate haven’t you?”
The clock strikes five, and I’m no longer
The Hero of Time. Epona is retired
To her stables; the makeshift silver cardboard,
The land of Hyrule, is packed away.
I toss my sword and shield into the prop box.
I race for my tiny chrome moped
And ride toward home deep
Within treeless suburbia.
The front door is gaping with my blue velvet
Couch staring at me, meaning my
Roommate, Ganadorf, is home. I am sure
A pot full of boiled eggs adorns the stove,
Their partially gaping shells oozing
Like his revolting boil-encrusted feet.
I recede to the basement,
My unholy temple overflowing
With makeshift purple duct tape benches
Is home to my collection
Of beautifully crafted shards
From the menagerie of jars
That I have heroically mangled on set.